Am I a horrible mother?

I had no idea I'd have so many insecurities in this new role--mother.  Take today, for example.  I dropped Connor off at the church nursery, and about 20 minutes later I started to hear a very familiar cry.  I didn't get paged, but I teach Sunday School in the adjoining room, and I knew who the cry belonged to.  It was my fussy little boy.  I wanted to save the kind nursery workers from prolonged screaming in their ears, so I left my class (thank you co-teacher!) and greeted my little one, who was not all that excited to see me.  Maybe he's teething.  Maybe he was tired.  Maybe this is just an "off day."  Those are some of the things I tell myself so there can be a good and logical reason why he just cried and cried.

But then the "what-ifs" start flashing through my mind and I find myself swimming a big pool of insecurity.  What if my baby is just unusually moody and unpleasant?  What if everyone thinks I'm doing something wrong?  What if I am doing something wrong?  What if he'll be like this for the rest of his childhood?  What if I'm paged every Sunday?  What if he never makes any friends?  What if we can never go anywhere in public?  What if it's all my fault?  Oh my goodness.  I feel so silly, but these are my actual thoughts!  Now is when wise and experienced mothers giggle at my paranoia and assure me that Connor is normal, he just had a fussy day, and I'm not doing anything wrong.  But this is a blog and I only have 3 followers, so my chances of finding that kind of encouragement are slim.

So for now I'll just tell myself that all these ridiculous thoughts really are just insecurities and it does me no good to ponder them all day (which is easy to do, unfortunately).  These are truths I choose to cling to: Even at 5 months old, Connor is exactly who God made him to be.  God picked me to be his mother, and He'll provide what I need for that role.  God knows what He's doing.  We are blessed beyond measure to have such a precious boy in our lives, even during the fussy times.  Hopefully next Sunday goes better than today.

Why the weekly journals?

I have entered the world of blogs.  It's a little scary, I have to admit.  So far I only have one really long entry (the week-by-week of Connor's life).  I update it each week, although I think it's going to show up under "April" unless I can figure out how to do it differently.  More "posts" (I'm such a blogger) to come, but here it is for now.

Why the weekly journals?

I came across a blog several weeks ago, and the writer wrote a weekly update of her child's milestones, etc.  I have found it extremely helpful, mostly because this is pretty unchartered territory for me.  I spent my entire junior high and high school years baby-sitting, but I've never been on newborn duty (and now 4 month old duty) 24/7.  It's a very different experience when there aren't step by step instructions on the fridge and numbers to call when something goes wrong!

So I started writing my own weekly updates when Connor was about 6 weeks old.  It's fun for me to reflect on the week and capture it in writing, especially since I still haven't recovered from "pregnancy memory loss" (I hear it might never return!).  I enjoy going back and re-reading, even now when I'm only a little ways into it.  It will also help me when, Lord willing, we have baby #2 (or #3 or #4 hopefully!) and I will surely have no recollection of what to expect and when to expect it.  I thought it would also be fun for family who aren't so close by to have an "insider's look" at Connor's young life.