I had no idea I'd have so many insecurities in this new role--mother. Take today, for example. I dropped Connor off at the church nursery, and about 20 minutes later I started to hear a very familiar cry. I didn't get paged, but I teach Sunday School in the adjoining room, and I knew who the cry belonged to. It was my fussy little boy. I wanted to save the kind nursery workers from prolonged screaming in their ears, so I left my class (thank you co-teacher!) and greeted my little one, who was not all that excited to see me. Maybe he's teething. Maybe he was tired. Maybe this is just an "off day." Those are some of the things I tell myself so there can be a good and logical reason why he just cried and cried.
But then the "what-ifs" start flashing through my mind and I find myself swimming a big pool of insecurity. What if my baby is just unusually moody and unpleasant? What if everyone thinks I'm doing something wrong? What if I am doing something wrong? What if he'll be like this for the rest of his childhood? What if I'm paged every Sunday? What if he never makes any friends? What if we can never go anywhere in public? What if it's all my fault? Oh my goodness. I feel so silly, but these are my actual thoughts! Now is when wise and experienced mothers giggle at my paranoia and assure me that Connor is normal, he just had a fussy day, and I'm not doing anything wrong. But this is a blog and I only have 3 followers, so my chances of finding that kind of encouragement are slim.
So for now I'll just tell myself that all these ridiculous thoughts really are just insecurities and it does me no good to ponder them all day (which is easy to do, unfortunately). These are truths I choose to cling to: Even at 5 months old, Connor is exactly who God made him to be. God picked me to be his mother, and He'll provide what I need for that role. God knows what He's doing. We are blessed beyond measure to have such a precious boy in our lives, even during the fussy times. Hopefully next Sunday goes better than today.
Oh Kimberly! You are not alone. What you said at the end is all so true. God picked you to be his mother and you are a great mom already. I thought the exact same things about my first son. I wondered if he would always be fussy, clingy, etc. They continually grow more and more into happy little people (it's really nice when they can talk too) and the fussiness gets less and less. Our second son has really bad reflux. Just today I had to try hard not to keep myself from crying after an appointment that confirmed that is what he has and why he has cried so much his first couple months of life. I felt so guilty like I should have known along and because I didn't he had to suffer. I felt like such a bad mom. But, God is sovereign. He gives us strength in our weakness. I know you love Connor so much and even though he is so little, he knows! ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Marcella. You really encouraged me and I so appreciate it. And you are a wonderful mom. Those boys are blessed to have you as their mommy! I hope Nolan feels better soon.
ReplyDeleteNot just wise and experienced mothers giggle at your paranoia. Unknowledgable and inexperienced twin sisters do too.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good mommy. Connor told me so the last time I saw him. He even said he likes you. I thought you would want to know.